Dearest Ladies Struggling to File VAWC,
Would like to repeat the mention last Saturday that Yes, this is available to you; it has its merits.
Between you and God it will be your choice; you will decide whether to file or not.
But if you have surrendered your life to Christ, this might be a worthwhile list of points to consider…
There might be cases when the wife has been 100% blameless, submissive, gentle quiet Spirit-filled, without-a-negative-word, suitable help-meet, loving wife and the husband (who committed his life to her) walks through the door and out of nowhere beats her. But for the majority, is this the case?
If your life is in danger, by all means you should remove yourself from the situation but with the goal of restoration (1Cor 7), not remarriage. Get counselling.
This is also a time to ask, was there by chance a form of communication from you (whether by words, actions, facial expression, or even in his absence, public posts or sharing with others including children) that was confrontational, condemning, critical, controlling, consistent complaining, commanding, comparing, cutting down, connivance against him, or other non-edifying ways that could have come across as nagging? The bible does not defend a nagger.
1Peter 3 talks about winning the unbelieving spouse over “without words” by the pure, reverent behaviour of the wife through the hidden Person (Holy Spirit-led gentle quiet spirit) of the heart. If you had been guilty of nagging, this provocation is contributory to the escalation of conflict and sin for both you and your husband.
“Woe to the world for such temptations to sin and influences to do wrong! It is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the person on whose account or by whom the temptation comes!”
Matthew 18:7 AMPC
1. What is your ultimate GOAL in mind? If it is restoration and salvation of your family, cutting of generational curses, man’s help is like band aid for a cancer bruise.
How can even all the layers of human help in the stages of filing a criminal case demolish the layers of demonic strongholds that may have been passed on for generations in your family line? The raging spiritual warfare needs spiritual weapons. If you want the tearing down of curses and demonic strongholds for your children and future generations, you need the corresponding war strategy and ammunition. Find out about spiritual warfare.
Rather, “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” 2 Cor 10:3-4 NIV
“Our fight is not against people on earth. We are fighting against the rulers and authorities and the powers of this world’s darkness. We are fighting against the spiritual powers of evil in the heavenly places.” Eph 6:12 ERV
2. Is Outward Change your ultimate goal?
Shame and pressure from a publicly accessible criminal case which can be published in multimedia (which lawyers will pitch as the #1 ace card to make your husband give in to any demands) might make him comply outwardly but behind the judge’s presence, will your husband then LONG to respect love honor you, provide for you, MAKE YOUR LIFE THE BEST it can be as far as it depends on him? Or after the outward compliance, will you have succeeded in making him hate you more, validate how you have proven yourself as his enemy, feel justified about why he treated you badly, and make you suffer and pay?
[In fairness to lawyers, this is their rightful orientation. They may not be familiar with spiritual warfare or be followers of Christ who have experienced His brand of victory over impossible situations available to those with faith the size of a mustard seed. But before you say goodbye to the Acceptance Fee amount, it may be advisable to go in training for God’s Weapons of Mass Destruction in Ephesians 6:10-18.]
3. To God, Unfaithfulness Alone Comprises Violence. When your husband is not faithful to you without even lifting a finger against you, God considers it already as violence against you. “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.” Malachi 2:16 NIV
The consequence for that is God withdraws His favor from the offender. (Mal 2:13)
What more if your husband lays a hand on you when your body is not yours but His own temple. “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price.” 1 Cor 6:18-20a NIV
4. Jesus considers persecution against His followers to be personally against Himself. When your husband persecuted you, Jesus considers that as having been done to Him.
“[Saul] fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, “Saul, Saul, why do you persecute ME?” [when it was Jesus’s followers that Saul was persecuting] Acts 9:4 NIV
5. Your Husband Declared War Against God.
With unfaithfulness and/ or violence against you, your husband has already declared war against God.
Who are in battle?
If this battle is between God who promises to avenge you (Rom 12:9) versus your husband—- whose problem is it?
Do you know anyone who has won against God? Do you think your husband will be the first among mankind to win against God?
If your job is to obey God and God’s job is everything else, is there a special reason why you would aggravate yourself with a counterproductive flesh-to-flesh battle whose best case scenario results are not lasting?
“Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the Lord Almighty.” Zech 4:6b NIV
6. What is your definition of “Lord” when you say, “Dear Lord…”?
The Alpha and Omega has the perfect way and time for His perfect justice. The one who is Lord (in control) is the one who gets to decides these. It depends on you if you think God Himself is Lord/ Master or if you are God’s lord and master who decides how and when.
Do you think you will be the first person to win against God?
If you are competing with God for headship role, do you think this will expedite or hinder your prayers?
““Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I say?”
Luke 6:46 NIV
7. God will not move in order to glorify you.
If you think you are the boss who decides how to avenge yourself, how can the God [who is seated “far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.” Eph 1:21 NIV] who is jealous for His glory (Ex 34:14) move when the glory will go to you?
“I am the Lord; that is my name! I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols.” Isaiah 42:8 NIV
Will He not wait until you have surrendered not 99% but 100% to His hands so that victory could not be attributed to a human but to Him alone?
8. Would you want results in keeping with God’s divine power or results in keeping with your limited power? Do you think God can handle things on His own or do you think He can’t function without your tips and assistance?
“Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses, who trust in the multitude of their chariots and in the great strength of their horsemen, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel, or seek help from the Lord. But the Egyptians are mere mortals and not God; their horses are flesh and not spirit. When the Lord stretches out his hand, those who help will stumble, those who are helped will fall; all will perish together.” Isa 31:1, 3 NIV
“You are my King and my God, who decrees victories for Jacob. Through you we push back our enemies; through your name we trample our foes. I put no trust in my bow, my sword does not bring me victory; but you give us victory over our enemies, you put our adversaries to shame. Psalms 44:4-7 NIV
9. Is He Your God When You Disobey His Command and Ignore His Promise?
“Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.”
Romans 12:19 NIV
A. What is the command in the above verse? “Do not take revenge; leave room for God’s wrath.”
Would you want “God’s [all-knowing, all-powerful, ever-present] wrath” to deal with your husband or would you prefer your emotional, limited, one-dimensional wrath to deal with your husband? When you exercise your wrath upon your husband, there is no room left for God’s wrath. You’re on your own. If you insist on yours, God can say “Have it your way.”
Can you cite an instance when God delighted in disobedience?
B. What is the promise in the above verse?
“It is mine to avenge; I will repay.”
“And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”
Hebrews 11:6 NIV
“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
Hebrews 13:4 NIV
What is the promise in the above verse?
“God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
By chance is this general matter one of the root causes of your desire to file VAWC? There you have it, God knows how painful this is. It is a mockery of Him, complete rebellion to HIS will that the marriage HE put together, no man or woman put asunder. God is on it. Get out of the way so you don’t get sideswiped when (not if) the Promise-Keeping God fulfils this promise.
10. God is able to customise what it takes to bring “godly sorrow that brings repentance that leads to salvation (2 Cor 7:10 NIV) which in turn leads to lasting transformation for your husband and his direct accountability to Him with His 24/7 watch (Psalm 139:1-12) with or without your presence.
“For God does speak—now one way, now another— though no one perceives it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on people as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn them from wrongdoing and keep them from pride, to preserve them from the pit, their lives from perishing by the sword. Or someone may be chastened on a bed of pain with constant distress in their bones, so that their body finds food repulsive and their soul loathes the choicest meal. Their flesh wastes away to nothing, and their bones, once hidden, now stick out. They draw near to the pit, and their life to the messengers of death.”
Job 33:14-22 NIV
Would you prefer to upstage God as the Extra-but-feeling-Bida hindrance that will get in the way of your husband seeing God so he can start being accountable to Him … and instead divert your husband’s attention to thinking you are the enemy? Whose battle is it (#5 above)?
11. The Transforming Power of True Love
Have you heard of a hardened person who got transformed from the inside out by attack/ brute force… or did that approach make the person more calloused and back down only until a better opportunity to retaliate came?
If you are a follower of Christ, was your heart melted by threat / condemnation or God’s unconditional love and grace?
Did you want to become the best version of yourself around people who pre-judged, entrapped, condemned you or around people who loved you when you didn’t deserve it and gave you a vision of the best you could be in Christ?
Love or bitterness are roots that grow up and bear much fruit. Would you consider which path you nurture?
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.” Hebrews 12:15 NIV
12. Not at all to insinuate that this happens in all cases but have you considered that there is even at least a possibility that lawyers who have received your acceptance fees or judges may encounter a change of heart when confronted by a higher bidder? For out-of-court settlement, is the lawyer advocating for your best interest genuinely for you? Do you think that the law system of man is completely loophole- free and perfectly just?
13. Have you considered the possibility of “winning the battle but losing the war”… the human demands stipulated on the criminal case achieved but is this success in God’s eyes?
Each choice plants a seed towards restoration and love according to God’s desire or a seed towards division and destruction according to the enemy’s desire.
14. Have you considered those who have successfully filed VAWC and checked if the results were lasting? Or did family restoration become more remote?
15. Contrast the results of the living examples of those among believers in our midst who put their trust in the Lord thru obedience. Even though they had legal grounds to file VAWC against their husbands, maybe they removed themselves from the dangerous situation but they kept marriage restoration as the goal considering that God hates divorce (Malachi 2); instead they focused on fixing their own walk with Christ, owning up to their own share of sins (removing the log in their own eyes rather than insisting on pointing to the husband’s speck of sawdust) and sought to live a consistently Christlike life.
“To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps…When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly.” Excerpts from 1 Peter 2:21-23 NIV
They let God fight their battles which produced divine results causing genuine repentance, salvation, transformation not just to be the best version of themselves— consistently Christlike —- and their husbands, but their families and their legacy of godliness instead of perpetuation of generational curses and sins. A number of their husbands are now serving the Lord.
16. The marriage covenant is not a contract between two people but a covenant among three: the husband, wife, and Jesus. When a husband turns prodigal, Jesus upholds the covenant and you remain firmly on your post as the marriage covenant’s wife. Jesus who is your Husband stands as your faithful Bridegroom (Isaiah 54:5)
The likelihood for remarriages to end up in divorce is higher than for first marriages to end in divorce.
17. Keeping The Vow You Volunteered (To Remain in Your Marriage in Sickness, For Poorer, or For Worse) Qualifies You to Dwell in God’s Presence
“Lord, who may dwell in your sacred tent? Who may live on your holy mountain?… ; [those] who keep an oath even when it hurts, and does not change their mind;” From Psalms 15:1, 4 NIV
18. When Your Temporary Visitor Visa to Earth expires, will your faith have been proven faithful to collect your passport to heaven and hear Him say, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’”Matthew 25:21 NIV
“For our citizenship is in heaven, from which also we eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ;” Philippians 3:20 NASB
Since the world began, God has always given man the free will to choose. Would you consider fasting and earnestly seeking God’s will before you go on record regarding VAWC?
Prayer for Victory Over Trials
“May the LORD answer you in the day of trouble! May the name of the God of Jacob set you securely on high! May He send you help from the sanctuary And support you from Zion! May He remember all your meal offerings And find your burnt offering acceptable! Selah. May He grant you your heart’s desire And fulfill all your counsel! We will sing for joy over your victory, And in the name of our God we will set up our banners. May the LORD fulfill all your petitions. Now I know that the LORD saves His anointed; He will answer him from His holy heaven With the saving strength of His right hand. Some boast in chariots and some in horses, But we will boast in the name of the LORD, our God. They have bowed down and fallen, But we have risen and stood upright. Save, O LORD; May the King answer us in the day we call.”
Psalms 20:1-9 NASB
The Battle Is The Lord’s:
God’s Word on Justice / Injustice
“And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off?”
Luke 18:7 NIV
“God is just: He will pay back trouble to those who trouble you”
2 Thessalonians 1:6 NIV
“You have wearied the Lord with your words. Yet you say, In what way have we wearied Him? [You do it when by your actions] you say, Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the Lord and He delights in them. Or [by asking], Where is the God of justice?”
Malachi 2:17 AMPC
“When justice is done, it is a joy to the righteous (the upright, in right standing with God), but to the evildoers it is dismay, calamity, and ruin.” Proverbs 21:15 AMPC
“The wicked plot against the righteous and gnash their teeth at them; but the Lord laughs at the wicked, for he knows their day is coming… for the power of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord upholds the righteous. The blameless spend their days under the Lord’s care, and their inheritance will endure forever. In times of disaster they will not wither; in days of famine they will enjoy plenty… The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, intent on putting them to death; but the Lord will not leave them in the power of the wicked or let them be condemned when brought to trial.
The salvation of the righteous comes from the Lord; he is their stronghold in time of trouble. The Lord helps them and delivers them; he delivers them from the wicked and saves them, because they take refuge in him.”
Psalms 37:12-13, 17-19, 32-33, 39-40 NIV
“And therefore the Lord [earnestly] waits [expecting, looking, and longing] to be gracious to you; and therefore He lifts Himself up, that He may have mercy on you and show loving-kindness to you. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed (happy, fortunate, to be envied) are all those who [earnestly] wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him [for His victory, His favor, His love, His peace, His joy, and His matchless, unbroken companionship]! [John 14:3, 27; II Cor. 12:9; Heb. 12:2; I John 3:16; Rev. 3:5.] O people who dwell in Zion at Jerusalem, you will weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.”
Isaiah 30:18-19 AMPC
“The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?”
1 Corinthians 6:7 NIV
When You Feel Fear of Man
“The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalms 118:6 NIV
“No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,” declares the Lord.”
Isaiah 54:17 NIV
“Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.” Psalms 127:1b NIV
“Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.”
Proverbs 29:25 NIV
“I have given you authority… to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you.”
Luke 10:19 NIV
“You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world.”
1 John 4:4 NIV
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.””
Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV
“The Lord is my light and my salvation— whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?”
Psalms 27:1 NIV
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Psalms 23:4 NASB
Whom Shall I Fear: