I would like to share that I am blessed with your sharings and learnings. I was not able to join the Bible Study yesterday since I still work from home at night but I can say na ang dami kong natutunan since I joined last Wednesday’s Bible Study. Yung maiiyak ka nalang at mapapa-Thank -You-Lord kasi dinala Niya ako dito sa group na ito.
It has been eight long years since I’ve been experiencing the same struggles and pain regarding my husband’s infidelity. Same OW (other woman), same scenario, same heartbreak. Since I have been dealing with this situation for a very long time na, I thought I became strong but my heart became hard as stone. I became so proud every time my husband came running to me when hindi sila ok ni OW. I would accept him pero lagi ko pinapadama at pinaparealize sa kanya ang pagkakamali niya thinking na baka magrepent na siya. But it’s the other way around. I was pushing him away and pushing him back to OW. There was a time na sinabi niya “Is that what you learned from your church?”
My most recent heartbreak is the most painful. He went back to OW. I was so angry that I tried to inquire about annulment procedures from my friend who knows a lawyer. He quoted an amount and I was thinking na pwede ako magloan sa banko and I will be able to pay for it in two years kung ang kapalit nito ay kalayaan ko naman (if in exchange, I will have my freedom).
I was 100% sure na na I wanted an annulment, I was ready to go on with my life without him. Since I was so depressed and couldn’t sleep, I went back to reading the Christian books on my shelves which I started but didn’t finish. The passage that hit me was:
“If God is for us, who can be against us?” (Rom.8:31).
I immediately messaged my (single) Christian friend and told her about what happened to me and that I needed prayers. She prayed for me. At that moment, God rebuked me of all my sins—- Prideful, Doesn’t Forgive, Liar, Judgmental, I repay insult with insult, and so on. Within the eight years na pabalik-balik si husband sa OW, I also had a short-lived affair with someone though I ended it because I was convicted every time I went to church and listened to the pastor’s preaching.
The pride was still there saying na mas makasalanan sila kasi bumabalik at bumabalik sila sa kasalanan. (By the way, they already have a daughter so yun pa nagpa-pride sa akin saying “sila nga may anak pa (they have a child so they are more sinful).
But when God started to rebuke me, He showed me all my sins and napahagulgol (I bawled my eyes out) because I realized I am no different from them!
That’s when I felt God’s extravagant love that He didn’t allow me to accomplish my plan to end my marriage. This deepest heartbreak is what I’m most grateful for because God is using it for me to be closer to Him, for me to know Him, for me to seek Him. Ayaw na ni Lord yung faith ko na napaka-shallow.
I realized that maybe that’s why I kept going back to the same situation over and over again because nothing changed in my heart.
God had to allow this most most painful recent brokenness for me to go back to Him. Before He can fix my marriage, He needs to change my heart first to be aligned with His.
Things went smoothly according to God’s plan because I saw my friend’s post on Facebook.
I asked her where her small group is [Thank you, Sis J!]. God is so good He led me to this group. I started to read the shared links from Praying Wife Forum. In the past, I could not bring myself to pray for the OW. Now, I’m praying for her. And my pinaka prayer sa husband ko now is his salvation talaga.
My craving for God’s Word is so strong. Si Lord talaga ang naging refuge ko sa panahong wasak na wasak ako (God has really been my refuge in my season of extreme brokenness). And ang sarap sa feeling kasi hindi mo siya na-experience sa kahit na ano at sino. (And it feels so good because I haven’t experienced this with anything or anyone.)
I know na hindi magiging madaling journey ito (I know this journey won’t be easy), but I will cling to God. I will continue to love and pray for my husband. Kahit pa sabihin ng iba “desperada, martyr at kung anu ano pa,” ok lang kasi the truth is that we’re not clinging to the person but we’re clinging to God’s promise.