Is Being Passive My Best Option?

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Is Being Passive My Best Option?

Q: If I know my husband is carrying on with his affair, being secretive, not texting or calling… is being passive and not asking questions the best response for me?

A: In this open rebellion phase of your husband, the most proactive thing you can do is to obey God:

“Moses spoke to the people: “Don’t be afraid. Stand firm and watch GOD do his work of salvation for you today. Take a good look at the Egyptians today for you’re never going to see them again. GOD will fight the battle for you. And you? You keep your mouths shut!””
‭‭Exodus‬ ‭14:13-14‬ ‭MSG‬‬

Your obedience to the Lord and active surrender removes the problem from the hands of a limited person (wife) and turns it over to the hands of The All-Knowing All-Powerful God of Justice (Malachi 2:17) Who Cannot Be Mocked (Galatians 6:7) that no one can hide from.

The other options which the world might think are “active solutions to do something either by making your husband or another human being accountable, giving ultimatum, or investigating” result in:


“Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses, who trust in the multitude of their chariots and in the great strength of their horsemen, but do not look to the Holy One of Israel, or seek help from the Lord. Yet he too is wise and can bring disaster; he does not take back his words. He will rise up against that wicked nation, against those who help evildoers. But the Egyptians are mere mortals and not God; their horses are flesh and not spirit. When the Lord stretches out his hand, those who help will stumble, those who are helped will fall; all will perish together.

Return, you Israelites, to the One you have so greatly revolted against. For in that day every one of you will reject the idols of silver and gold your sinful hands have made.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭31:1-3, 6-7‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Relying on self-strength is like idolatry of oneself when we make ourselves god over the Sovereign God who is in control.

“Then he told me, “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘You will not succeed by your own strength or by your own power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD All-Powerful.”
‭‭Zechariah‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭NCV‬‬

What happens when the wife interrogates, gives ultimatum and goes forward in her own strength (flesh) and not seek God’s wisdom by the power of the Holy Spirit?

When husband answers, wife doesn’t trust answer. Argument ensues. Husband finds wife nagging and irritating which validates why he needs to seek refuge in another person “who understands what a man needs, who is ‘better’ …”

If wife is Christ-like, without a word; the Holy Spirit Hidden Person of the Heart (1 Peter 3), that undeserved love and kindness is what wins over the husband to the Lord .

Which part of “without discussion” do wives find hard to comprehend? Perhaps, the word “without.” In NASB Translation: “without a word.” Does that increase curiosity why God made it a command for wives to be “without a word?”

Going back to God’s formula to win a husband who is disobedient to God:

“In the same way (going back to previous passage before “in the same way” that …

1 Peter 2 18 Servants, be submissive to your masters with all [proper] respect,

not only to those who are good and kind, but also to those who are unreasonable

19 For this finds favor, if a person endures the sorrow of suffering unjustly

because of an awareness of [the will of] God. 

20 After all, what kind of credit is there if,

when you do wrong and are punished for it, you endure it patiently?

But if when you do what is right and patiently bear [undeserved] suffering,

this finds favor with God.

Christ Is Our Example

21 For [as a believer] you have been called for this

[ to endure the sorrow of suffering unjustly

because of an awareness of the will of God (v19);

to do what is right and patiently bear undeserved suffering(v20)]

purpose, since Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example,

so that you may follow in His footsteps...

23 While being reviled and insulted, He did not revile or insult in return;

while suffering, He made no threats [of vengeance],

but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges fairly

you wives, be submissive to your own husbands

[subordinate, not as inferior,

but out of respect for the responsibilities entrusted to husbands

and their accountability to God, and so partnering with them]

so that

even if some do not obey the word [of God],

they may be won over [to Christ]

without discussion

by the godly lives of their wives, when they see your modest and respectful behavior

[together with your devotion and appreciation

love your husband, encourage him, and enjoy him as a blessing from God].”


Whenever husband is home, do not use this time to interrogate, test, cross-examine, condemn, judge, criticize, express disapproval.

Holy-Spirit-filled and prayerful silence is not condoning approval but proactive surrender to the One who can transform and control hard hearts in a lasting, incisive way that is effective even in dark corners of the world and works outside of your hearing or appearance.

It leaves the way wide open for the Lord to avenge a betrayed wife. Don’t close the way of God’s justice by taking control of your husband.

Romans 12:19 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for God’s wrath [and His judicial righteousness]; for it is written [in Scripture], “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 But if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome and conquered by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Never mention, hint about, nor allude to an other woman (whether you know the name or the person) as this magnifies, glorifies, emphasizes, dwells on, aligns with gives power to what the devil is doing to attempt to steal, kill, and destroy your marriage. Do not give the devil your time of day (or night). Why give an adulterous woman the prime seat in your house to be the center of attention?

Instead, if you have time with your husband, ask the Holy Spirit for empowerment and wisdom to remember what it is you love about him that made you marry him; ask God for wisdom on what you can be grateful about, what can you thank your husband for, what (even any microscopic glimpse) of good behavior can you affirm him for?


What you speak or dwell on will have a way to appear more. Choose prayerfully what you allow to exit your mouth.

Proverbs 18:21 NLT The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.


If you feel sure, even with evidence, that your husband is having an affair, use this time to go to the Lord’s Beauty Spa — His word. Study His word, attend bible studies regularly, be accountable to a biblical mentor. Catch up on what grime, dirt, and grease (bad habits, counterproductive actions, attitudes, and words) need to be discarded and washed away with His word so you can be the best Bride of Christ before you are a Wife of Man.


Time with husband is anointed time for husband-and-wife relationship to heal, restore, refresh, renew.

Remember the key commands of all-wise, all-knowing God that achieves His divine design:

be submissive

not inferior,

but out of respect for the responsibilities entrusted to husbands

and their accountability to God

without discussion

godly lives

modest and respectful behavior

devotion and appreciation

love your husband, encourage him, and enjoy him as a blessing from God].”

Perhaps, women who are competent, intelligent, self-reliant, self-sufficient need the blessing of a customized challenging husband to bring her to spiritual maturity and to reach the most beautiful version of herself!

And God’s word says the above inner beauty tips are very precious in God’s sight.

1 Peter 3:4  but let it be [the inner beauty of] the hidden person {Holy Spirit} of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, [one that is calm and self-controlled, not overanxious, but serene and spiritually mature] which is very precious in the sight of God.

Is the Holy Spirit clearly expressing Himself thru you with His [Gal 5:22c]… fruit of the Spirit [the result of His presence within us] is love [unselfish concern for others], joy, [inner] peace, patience [not the ability to wait, but how we act while waiting], kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23a gentleness, self-control. 

But do those Inner Beauty practices not out of fear but out of a victorious mindset that doing things according to the Spirit of Almighty, All-wise God— not worldly might nor power is the way to victory (Please review Zech 4:6 NCV)

1 Peter 3:6b do what is right without being frightened by any fear [that is, being respectful toward your husband but not giving in to intimidation, nor allowing yourself to be led into sin, nor to be harmed].

And here is what God’s design is trying to achieve (1Peter 3:1)

the disobedient to God’s word … be WON OVER TO CHRIST

so that

even if some do not obey the word [of God],

they may be won over [to Christ]


Instead of focusing effort on husband’s affair(s), approach this passing season {of being seemingly without a husband} with the wisdom the apostle, Paul, gives the unmarried:

1 Corinthians 7:32 NIV I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord.

As you wait on the Lord, obey what the Lord commands you. Entrust your husband to God. Pray spiritual warfare prayers for the destruction of the adulterous relationship that invites God’s wrath upon your husband.

Hebrews 13:4

Marriage is to be held in honor among all [that is, regarded as something of great value], and the marriage bed undefiled [by immorality or by any sexual sin]; for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.

Rejoice always; pray unceasingly; and in all things give thanks. For This Is God’s Will For You In Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

16 Rejoice always and delight in your faith; 17 be unceasing and persistent in prayer; 18 in every situation [no matter what the circumstances] be thankful and continually give thanks to God; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus.

God will turn this for good and you are about to be transformed into your most beautiful Christlike self! (Romans 8:28-29)

Praying for your victory over this.

Please let us know how it goes…

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