“I lost myself in the process of the marriage problem, in the midst of wallowing in the mixed negativities … I lost so many years dwelling in the injustices I don’t deserve.
I allowed myself to be a victim and have been stucked and paralyzed in that victim mentality for so many wasted years (30 something years) …
Now in my senior years is the realization that I don’t want to waste any more of my remaining years. When husband is around, be a wife, but equipped with prayers and ask the Holy Spirit to shield me from my human weakness of pride, self-pity, etc. Serve husband without sumbat, as if everything is normal even if deep inside, I am still struggling with the pain and anger . Treat husband with the proper respect because that is what God wants me to do (not what I will but God’s will be done) and then leave the results to God.
During family conversations, husband does not welcome my views (it’s painful to his ears and pride) kaya I restrain my tongue and just focus on serving the food and listening to his talks with the other family members. I psyched myself na hindi ako kawawa by being silent/ invisible. I know I am able and creative and intelligent but I am just being submissive kaya I feel good by doing the right thing and it does not in any way demoralize me.
When husband leaves, painful for some hours, but with silent prayers (Dear God, please take over my feelings!), lilipas din kasi I plan other things to do to empower me .
Those days that husband is not around are my free days for myself ; not wasted on thinking about him and her. If news will come about their good times, I tell myself — whats new about that? Packaged na yan sa whole affair nila – thats part of the reality that I have to understand. And I know and believe that God will make things beautiful for me and for them too, in His time and in His way . I have to trust Him . I choose to trust Him.
Romans 8:28 is the very first bible verse that I learned and I hold onto.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28 NIV
Pero be prepared ha. It’s a roller coaster ride. There will good times and there will be bad times. Through all these — be consistent in your shift from husband to God — especially during bad times. Ano man ang mangyari – good surprises or bad surprises — always be firm with your shift to God.
Attending bible studies for years, I learned that my number one stumbling block is Pride. Kaya it is taking me a long lonnng time to move forward– one step forward, two steps backward — because of pride.
Si Hesus, God na Sya Pero di Sya nagpadaig sa pride — Dios ako, ‘wag nyo akong bastusin , baka isang salita Ko lang, talsik na kayo —- di Sya ganun … kasi clear sa Kanya ang Mission nya. Idol ko si Hesus in my struggle with pride.
My goal now – yung with actions and less words , ma-glorify ko si God when husband will see the difference of the old me and the new me and in the process , ma-curious sya and maging interested sya to find out what Jesus can do – but my problem is me – di ako consistent — because of my pride; because I give in to the still pent-up anger and it would reflect sa actions ko. The husband can feel it – if genuine or arte lang . Kaya I fail several times. Pag di tayo consistent and sincere, it can be a reason the husband will move away kasi doubtful sya and he will protect himself sa what he thought is manipulation from our part. To be consistent, it really requires an intimate relation with God kasi kung tayo lang, di kaya.
As we re-live the past and recall the events of husband with mistress etc — pansin ko the more the negatives become planted in our hearts . Kaya my goal — tanggap ko na I am in this situation. It’s a reality na. And all the past events that brought me the pain and the anger, the hurt, etc are part and parcel of the journey. I don’t want to reinforce them anymore into my present life . If the thought comes, I will gather energy and prayer to shut them out. And when I share these pains, it is for the purpose of consoling na ako din meron ganyan experience pero we can make a choice and shift to God — we learn from our experiences and we can learn from each other too – as we share the experiences, let us do so with a positive thought of getting lessons and not feeding the negative feelings .